I’ve stumbled across two great pieces this week that have us on this topic: men and women loving each other. I’ll start this off with a story, author unknown, about the sexual urges of men and women- worth reading through. Afterwards, we will follow up with a recent weblog about ‘12 Rules for Marriage’.

“I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words “I do.”

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT???”

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, “Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

I figure that I won’t be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2008 but godammit it was worth it.”

I’ll bet that story sounds like a long joke to women, and a slight nod to a funny truth to some men. If you’re a woman reading this thinking “not my man”, then it’s definetly you all over.

I’m not sure where I might fit into the context of it, but I will get in trouble for blogging it either way. Thus, I will follow up with a sensible, loving quote from furialog that’s been floating on the hot tags this week.

My sister asked me, as part of her wedding ceremony, to Say Something About Marriage. I’ve been married for over two years, so obviously I have way too much insight on this issue than could reasonably be fit into the middle of an otherwise fairly compact service, but with some effort, and some help from my wife Bethany, I got the list down to twelve potentially useful pieces of advice. These probably aren’t the most useful twelve pieces of advice, but I think they’re better than nothing. As delivered at the wedding last weekend:

1. Your world is getting bigger today, not smaller! More history, more friends, more possibilities. Marriage is not the end of the search, it’s the beginning of all the searches that are more fun to do together.

2. Be the guardians of each other’s solitudes. Not only do you need to give each other space, you need to make each other space.

3. No difficult conversations after 10pm. Not only is it harder to solve problems when you’re tired, but at least half the time being tired is the problem.

4. The Dutch principle of Total Soccer means that any player can attack when there is an opportunity, and any player can defend when there is a need. In Total Marriage you only have two players, so this is even more important. Both of you should be able to do everything your team needs. You’ll have your preferences and strengths and habits, but if one of you goes down, the other one has to be able to cover.

5. Wedding rings don’t really come with magic powers. You will learn how to take care of each other one insight at a time. And even when you’re not sure how, show up and you’ll think of something.

6. Headphones; separate closets.

7. If you aren’t already the world’s leading experts on each other, you will be soon. It is thus your responsibility to be not only the world’s biggest fans of each other’s best qualities, but also the world’s staunchest fans of each other’s weaknesses and flaws.

8. Get pets. By far the easiest way to remember that you have to feed your shared life together is if part of it comes and stomps on you every morning.

9. No ultimatums. Ever.

10. Travel. Surprise and challenge yourselves. It’s easier to have a world together if you have a world to compare it to, and part of the fun of getting to know each other is putting yourselves, together, in positions where neither of you know what you’re going to do yourself.

11. Committing yourselves to one another is one of the most mature, responsible, focused decisions you can make. Balance it out by being immature, irresponsible and playful together as often as possible.

12. When people, especially your relatives, offer you long lists of marriage advice, just smile politely and nod until they finally shut up.

MakeYouGoHmmm.com also had some nice additions to this weblog. I don’t know about all of that, but some of makes a lot of sense. Whether you think you knew it all or not, there’s some great reminders in there as well.

I am a product of a broken household, like so many in my generation. It was never easy, and some wounds never heal. I admire the ongoing stuggle for spouses to kill each other, but appreciate ideas about what makes long term relationships work even more. It’s true: wedding rings don’t really come with magical powers.

Of course, it’s more than just someone to drive you to the hospital as your grow older too. I can say I’m happily married, but we’ve had our share of growing pains. I have no advice on the topic- I’m learning along the way just like everyone else. In fact, I learn just about everything in life the hard way, and the journey for me has always been more important than the destination.

I’m more private than I let on, and my wife and I are quite different from most of our family and friends. Sometimes it feels like we need each other. Anyways, I’ll share what makes marriage work for me: having a partner in crime, for shared challenges and experiences. I think everyone needs someone who understands them.

Filed under: Friends and Family